I asked the question: at what point did you feel you finally fit in only to realize you crave to be different and stand out? I’m speaking visually here, it’s about “the clothes,” after all.
But is it???? Hmmmmmmm……The responses were interesting, and varied, and after many in-depth thoughtful responses, common threads appeared. I will share them with you here.
People responded to me in various stages of, sh*t, I don’t want to say “personal development” - but it’s kind of what it is. Here’s the thing though, the “stages” weren’t linear. There was no straight line graph where people went from desperation or desire to fit in to having the guts to stand out just by “gaining more confidence or acquiring more wealth.”
I thought the graph would look like this:
But it did not.
While nearly everyone progressed in different ways, there were commonalities that “fast forwarded” someone to the “I’m (comfortable with, ok with, no longer desire) fitting in” stage:
Life changing events - many mentioned a loved ones death as the moment where priorities crystallized. The edge was off of cravings for the same (handbag, shoes, jewelry) as others. As a result, an “insiders” comment that previously made one feel (outside, less than) had far less sting, if any, any more.
Change of locale. Some of you had a parent in the military - which meant you moved frequently. When you’re exposed, often, to such wildly varied style tastes based on geography, it sinks in pretty quickly. Quite possibly many opinions are subjective and simply forming your own is, pragmatically speaking, the only thing one can do. Otherwise you’d bruise from the whiplash of changing your look from zip code to zip code or country to country. This also held true for others who moved to a country (as an expat, as a curious individual) later in life. The bottom line is that putting yourself in situations where you are exposed to, and importantly interact with, a wide variety of people firmly establishes that we’re all different. Thank goodness.
I also received countless DM’s from those who were “finally” or “had always” rejected fitting in - BUT in the process of doing so, had applied the common “two wrongs make a right” strategy. Inadvertently making very disparaging assumptions about individuals they perceived as “wanting to fit in.” Many don’t realize that making assumptions for others motivations was the very same thing they were “standing out” to rally against. Many ask how I can read all these DM’s - what a chore it must be. On the contrary - I’m grateful because they allow me to form a fuller picture. Sometimes the very person wearing all the logos is reaching out to me trying to get out of that (expensive) rut; others don’t view it as a rut at all and have reasons for their choices that are personal and have nothing to do with me (of course, why would they?); some have worked really hard to get to a level where they can afford these items and they signify, to other’s sure, but importantly to themselves, that they have arrived. And then, for some, it’s all the stereotypes you can even think to apply. So while stereotypes are real, so is the concept of individualism. If you don’t ask, you may never know; if you presume, you will most certainly never know.
Age. One would think that this would be a clear indicator of knowing oneself well enough to feel comfortable showing up as different. Not the case! 20 year olds assumed that those in their 40s were probably really good to go; 30 year olds presumed the same of the 50 year olds; and many 60+ year olds wrote that the process is ongoing and what the f*ck gives?
Here’s what was CLEAR: going through the process to understand who you are, how to put it in to words (adjectives, modifiers), and then how to apply the visuals, is the game-changer. Whether it’s the 28 year old in their first big position at work, the 35 year old new mom, the 70 year old retiree, this held true every single time. Absent of this core knowledge, you’ll have moments for sure where you “fit in.” But simply crossing a state line/country border or attending an event out of your norm will throw you in to self doubt.
Standing out whilst fitting in. The holy grail. Take comfort in the knowledge that nothing tragic HAS to happen for you to get there; you don’t have to receive the big $$$ promotion and you don’t have to wait for the moment in time when you recognize more Pfizer labels than LVMH ones. It’s about introspection, some hard but good work, and a mix of creativity and pragmatism.
Without fail, every time.
