HOW TO BEAT THE GAME WITH NO POKEMON, NO BADGES, FOUR MOMS AND A HERMAPHRODITE:
(Note: The following is all real, and actually happened on my Sapphire game. Enjoy.)
I hook up my action replay device, select mastercode and the walk through walls cheat, and fire up Sapphire. I start a new game, skip the Birch and Azumarill crap. I choose female, and begin the game in the van. I walk through the boxes in the moving van alot. I exit, but, WTF? I'm in Petalburg, the third town. I go back inside. It's suddenly a house with an old man and little girl. I walk through the trees to Littleroot, my REAL hometown. There are two moving vans...? I go inside my home. I see the Machoke, that's normal, good. I have two mothers sitting side by side. One talks to me like normal Mom, and the other says she thinks her son is upstairs. I go upstairs. I see... me? My rival is female, even though I'm a girl. IN MY HOUSE. GET OUT OF MY HOME, RIVAL CLONE! Apparently, her name is Brendan. He/She exits by walking into the wall, and into the abyss. Back outside. Still two moving vans. I go into what is supposed to be my rival's house. Two moms again? And the Machoke are here too? One's my mom and the other is the hermaphrodite rival clone's mom. I go upstairs. Brendan?! The real, male Brendan is here. Hmm. He exits the room correctly. Now I have a normal rival, and a hermaphrodite clone. I go back outside. I check the lab, and everything seems normal. Time to go to where Birch is being attacked by Poochyena.
I walk over some buildings and trees, and reach my destination. Birch says I can't leave him as I enter. Huh? He's stuck on a fench thingy with Poochy jiggling in place. I try to talk to him. Nadda. I ignore him by walking through some trees. I walk in the grass, and a wild Wurmple approaches me. Ohshi, I don't have a Pokemon! I send something out though... It's a nameless black and white, rounded question mark, floating in space. My Pokemon is as confused as I am. Somehow, I see a max revive and a potion in my pack. I check my party, and nothing's there. Time to attempt battling with this thing. " has no moves left!" it says. Wurmple uses string shot. My nameless mystery's speed falls. Suddenly... I'm out of useable Pokemon? I whited out!
Next thing I know, I'm back in Petalburg, the third town again, emerging from the moving van/house where the old man and little girl live. I look at my trainer card, it seems normal. 1500 monies. ID of 13427. Okay. I walk into the Pokemon Center from the backside of the door (?) and see what one would expect inside. I try out the PC. Although at first, I accidentally walk through it. I look at my party. Huh?! I have a Bulbasaur apparently. The skin is yellow, the bulb is brown, and the eyes are sky blue. That's not even what the shiny looks like. I can't click on it or move it though, darn. I quit the PC and go inside Wally's house next. I talk to his father, and... What the crap? Apparently, I played with Wally earlier today. Hmmkay. I decide to go purchase some Pokeballs, in case I see a shiny or something. I get up on the counter as I converse with the clerk. The rest of the transaction goes normally. I skip back to the second town to see who my rival actually is. It's Brendan, apparently. The real one, that is. Boring. I walk over water, then get challenged by a tentacool. Oh no! I try to tell my level 0 question mark/insane Bulbasaur to escape, but it can't. Then I'm out of useable Pokemon. W-w-w-wipe out!
I'm now in front of the Petalburg Pokemon Center. I return to the water on route 102, hoping to skip past the majority of the game. Who needs surf when you're Jesus? I walk over the water this time with relatively no problems. I pass Team Aqua's barracade of people, and... Hey cool, Slateport! I skip past another Team Aqua group and get into the museum. I pay my last fifty dollars to view the exhibit. I talk to some Team Aqua members, and apparently there's some dude I knocked out before. A TM? Wow, thanks! Ohshi, challenge from Aqua members upstairs. I throw a Pokeball at his Carvanha, but to no avail. His fish uses rage, and I'm dead. Hellooo, Slateport center.
I enter the contest building this time. I wonder what I could do with such a thing? Aw, I need some sort of pass from Vanderturf... But that's on the complete opposite of the map! Forget it! I'll do that later. Man, I really wish I had the running shoes. A little boy challenges me on the beach. Oh no... I check the summary of my mysterious Pokemon. It's still the question mark, not Bulbasaur. Odd. The ? is flipped in the picture. It's nature is hardy, and it was "obtained in a trade". It's fainted, even though I'm using it. It's male, by the way. It has no ability, and again, no name. All of its stats are 0. It apparently needs 1 exp point to level up. I decide to use my potion so that I can last a bit. But... It's gone? Ah God. Zigzagoon uses freaking SURF. I die a slow, solemn death.
But... what's this? The screen is frozen! NO! Bulbasaur Mystery Hermaphrodite Rival Retard Surfing Raccoon Aquas! My precious Bulbasaur Mystery Hermaphrodite Rival Retard Surfing Raccoon Aquas! I hit A again and again, but to no avail. I mash a bunch of buttons like a crazy person, as the battle music, still playing, mocks me. This is a sad day. I reluctantly reset the GBA. I decide to start again, being careful to repeat everything exactly like before. After two tries, success! I pop out of the Petalburg old man van. Cool.
This time, I decide to walk to Mauville, and not Slateport. I realize that not so much has been lost, and feel alot better. When I press start, there is no Pokemon option. Odd. Freaking Tentacool tentacle rapes me on the way. While this is going on, I check the stats. Yep, still hardy nature. Once the devirginizing is complete, I try to run away, and faint. I wake up at the Petalburg PC. I attempt for Mauville again. I try to walk under the bridge, but appear on top. A cyclist cycles over the bridge! Ah well, I just keep on walking. Aw f*ck, challenged by a biker. Holy crap! I go to my party and realize that not only do I actually have six identical mystery Pokemon, if I keep going down, I have other things too! First, a bad egg, then another one, which is fainted, but is "making sounds and about to hatch." Then, there's another set of six mystery pokemon, two bad eggs, another near hatcher, then another, which is somehow captured in a net ball. I suddenly faint from string shot and return to Petalburg.
This is getting very frustrating. I want to try out the day care center! Also, I desperately need a bike. I attempt to use a potion from my bag while on the road, but it simply says, "There is no Pokemon." Whatever. Finally, after narrowly doging exactly 5,607,364 bikers, I make it to Mauville. Time for a bike! Walking is slow and for chumps! Yay, I aquire the Mach Bike! Heheh. Rydel claims that my running shoes look awfully dirty. I don't have running shoes...? I walk through the gate at the daycare center where all the little robotic Pokemon are and get challenged by a Pokemon! If I capture it, is that thievery? I decide to faint on command instead. Wha...? Petalburg?! I don't want to go all that way again! Oh well. At least I have my bike now. Whoo, biking on trees and water! I arrive at the daycare center, dirty and wet. While my head is shoved inside the counter, I consult the lady behind the desk. She actually listens to me as I try to give her my Pokemon, but then tells me that if I give her my currently "existing" Pokemon, I won't have anything to battle with. Dang. Also, instead of the normal six boxes in my party area, if I push some directional buttons enough, new ones appear off to the side. RAWK HAWK! To the bottom right, within the trees, I find a random water area. Strange. I then head for the beginning contest area. They can't say no to me now! I urinate with excitement as I approach the front desk.
I decide to squeeze my legs together and make a detour first in case this goes badly. I talk to the Pokemon happiness trainer love lady. This is what she tells me about my "Pokemon": "Oh. Your Pokemon... This is a little hard for me to say... Your POKeMON simply detests you. Doesn't that make you uncomfortable?" I sob and weep in sorrow. I love my insane mystery Bulbasaur hardy thing! Keep in mind that on this cartridge, I have a very valuable real file that I want to keep. Am I stupid and taking a huge risk? Yes. Is that fact and that fact alone totally awesome? Yes.
This time, I really go to the contest lady. She issues me a contest pass and I try to enter my Pokemon. I enter a cool contest with " ". She glares at me and says, "Your POKeMON appears to be in no condition to take part in a CONTEST... Which POKeMON would you like to enter?" I punch her in the face and make my leave. Grr. How disappointing. Hey, a revive! I'll try using that later. I head for the rainy area with the Electrikes and Kecleons and stuff. What is Steven doing here? (<333) Should I risk a possible battle and talk to him? Of course. I press A in front of him and he ignores me. Gay. A Shroomish attacks me, misses, and I die. I retrace my steps with little to no difficulty and start going through the rain.
I ignore getting Castform and Team Aqua and all that. Finally, I make it to Fortree! I enter the mart, get inside the counter, sell my TM for monies, and buy a revive. I skip the gym leader and as soon as I was in, I leave. Well, that was uneventful. This town sucks. I see Steven again? He talks to me this time. He asks me if I'm ready for battle, and I say no. I skip around him and continue my amazing journey. If this kid isn't traumatized by now, my name is Spoonfedbabybutt. And it's not, really. FREAKING MARILL ATTACKS ME AUGH. Back to Fortree. Step retraceage. Continue. I ignore Team WaterAnnoying and reach Lilycove. This is going well. I will purchase some repels and make my way to the Pokemon League. Brb while I pee.
Okay back. I make it to Mossdeep alright, just as the first repel wears off. Cycling across the ocean. Who would of thought? I would pick up Steven's Beldum (;ooo) but that would make the game legit. Lame. I begin cycling again. I think finding anything might be a lost cause. So bigggg. Having no map makes this super hard. I die and return to Mossdeep to buy more repels and try again. Pacifidlog town! I have foundeded you. I try to find a way to climb on to the floaty bridge thingies via bike. I made it! Had to go backwards through the center. Now, to stock up more and find that league!
OH ****! ****! **** **** *******-**** **** ****! As I was typing the last paragraph, I banged my very delicate AR x GBA against the laptop, resetting the game. I was on the last town too. Oh well, you, as the reader, get more than the gist of it. I go to the E4, walk past everything, and my non existant insane surfing raccoon mysterious Bulasaur Pokemon (x 12 and six eggs or so) would be enscribed in the hall of fame forever! Oh, happy day.
I hope you enjoyed my child abuse traumatizing adventure. Note that this belongs to me, was typed at 3 in the morning, and belongs to me again. Feel free to quote retarded/funny/mildly amusing sections. Like you'd want to. xP
-Mawlineppe
EDIT: I believe this is (maybe) supposed to be in a different section. I believe that I cannot move it myself though.
