Chapter Text
Kumatora: I just got a rejection letter from a job I never applied for??????? Bro???? WHAT
Lucas: “We don’t know who you are, but we don’t porking want you.”
Duster: “Just stay the pork away from us.”
Paula: Dear bilingual people, what language do you think in?
Poo: I don’t even know. I don’t even know if I think.
Ness: What if the ‘g’ in ‘gif’ is silent?
Jeff: Go to sleep.
Ness: What gif I don’t want to?
Jeff: I’m going to smother you.
Teddy: Can I be frank with you guys?
Ana: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.
Ninten: Can I still be Ninten?
Loid: Shh, let Frank speak.
Flint: Anyone d–
Lucas: Depressed?
Claus: Drained?
Duster: Dumb?
Kumatora: Disliked?
Flint: –done with their work… what is wrong with you people…
Duster: You’re a loose cannon, Claus.
Claus: No, I’m not. I’m a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
Boney: (I think you play by your own rules.)
Lucas: No way, he thinks rules were made to be broken.
Duster: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Claus: No, I’m just a reckless renegade. Kumatora is a loose cannon.
Kumatora: *smashes a chair*
Poo: Where are Ness and Jeff?
Paula: They’re playing hide and seek.
Poo: Where?
Paula: I don’t think you get how this game works.
Duster, walking into his house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Lucas: Hi!
Kumatora: Hey.
Boney: *barks*
Duster: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Claus: We were out of Doritos.
Teddy: So that’s my plan.
Loid: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.
Teddy: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.
Loid: It [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]ing sucks.
Teddy: That’s not constructive criticism.
Lucas: Violence isn’t the answer.
Claus: You’re right.
Lucas: *sighs in relief*
Claus: Violence is the question.
Lucas: What?
Claus, bolting away: And the answer is yes.
Lucas, running after him: NO–
Jeff, trying to cheer the group up: Things could be worse, you know!
Paula: How?
Jeff: How what?
Paula: How could they be worse?
Jeff: They couldn’t, I lied.
Paula:
Duster, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it’s October and I’d like to be on Island Time for a day!
Kumatora: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I’ve got your history right here on the sidebar.
Kumatora: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET, HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET – What the PORK happened to you?!
Duster, laughing: I HAD A CASE OF THE MONDAYS
Kumatora: ARE YOU HAUNTED?! ARE YOU PORKING POSSESSED?!
Kumatora: YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND
Duster, cry-laughing: I HAD A cAsE Of THE MONDAys
Ana: Hey, you want some leftovers?
Loid: What’s that?
Ana: You’ve never had leftovers??
Loid: No, because I’m not a quitter.
Ninten: How do I deal with my enemies?
Teddy: Kill them.
Ninten: That’s a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution.
Teddy: Kill them only a little?
Poo: What does it mean when someone says they’re pescatarian and vegan?
Ness: Land animals are innocent of crime, but The Fish have Sinned.
Claus: Omg, there’s a random dog in my yard, this is the best day ever. Hello, fuzzy baby friend!
[not one minute later]
Claus: NOT A DOG
Claus: NOT A DOG
Claus: BEAR
Claus: ABORT ABORT ABORT
Teddy: When have I ever steered us wrong?
Ninten, Loid, and Ana: …
Teddy: …It was a rhetorical question.
[in the middle of a battle]
Duster: How are we looking?
Kumatora: Sexy, but not like we’re trying too hard.
Kumatora: Like, sure, we’re trying, but it’s almost effortless.
Paula: Dude, you’re shaking. How much coffee did you drink today?
Jeff: I haven’t had any coffee today.
[cut to Jeff sitting in front of the camera, drinking some coffee]
Jeff: This is my 27th cup.
Ana: What happened when the guy shoplifted the calendar?
Ninten: He got 12 months.
Ana: Crime isn’t a joke.
Kumatora: *opens door to see Duster standing there with a bag of snacks in his hand*
Kumatora: What are you doing here?
Duster: I’m here to babysit you.
Kumatora: Babysit?! I don’t need a babysitter, I’m not a kid!
Kumatora: *opens the bag of snacks*
Kumatora: Oooh, a juice box.
Paula: The urge to climb the rooftop of your house. Where does it come from?
Ness: The Gargoyle Instinct.
Jeff: Unquenchable desire to be the protagonist in an indie film about teenage disillusionment.
Duster: Was that really necessary?
Kumatora: No, but it was dope.
Duster, quietly to himself: It was dope.
Loid: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Teddy: Well, aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Poo: I thought you were 12? It says 13 in your bio.
Ness: You’re never gonna believe what happened to me.
Ninten: Isn’t it weird how humans have to drink a clear liquid substance to survive?
Teddy: Vodka?
Ninten: …Sure.
Poo: For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk. Then we got rid of the horse.
Jeff: You complete moron. You stupid freaking idiot. “Cars would be better if they could bite and poop.” That was you just now, dummy. “Wouldn’t it be cool if cars could pee? Wouldn’t it be cool if cars could mate?” Honestly…
Ness: It would be cool if cars could mate.
Paula: We. We still have horses.
Jeff: The great thing about coffee is that it cures exhaustion at 11PM and enables you to write the coolest paper ever. The bad thing about coffee is that it’s now 3AM and the only thing I want to do is Cha Cha Real Smooth.
[later]
Jeff: I can’t believe caffeine was the only drug I was on when I wrote this.
“Hello, good morning. Say it back.”: Ana, Poo, Duster
“No.”: Teddy, Jeff, Kumatora
“MORNINGG!!”: Ninten, Paula, Lucas
“It back.”: Loid, Ness, Claus
Ninten: Good morning!
Loid: Bold statement.
Kumatora: One time Claus told me a pun so bad that I smashed the plate I was holding against the counter.
Duster: Must’ve been a quite smashing joke.
Kumatora: I hate you.
Poo: Do you ever think??
Ness: No, and you can’t make me.
[as out of context quotes from Trollhunters]
“Sixteenth birthday, but do I get a Vespa? No. I get a food processor and a killer flying troll!”: Loid, Lucas
“Look at the hypnotic bewitching allure of that swaying mole!”: Ness, Claus
*in a grave tone of voice* “And now to find the Easter Bunny…”: Teddy, Poo
“I would totally take a bath in guac.”: Duster
“Mary Wang’s a player?”: Paula
“We’re going to get suspended! On account of meatloaf!”: Ana, Jeff
“Bad baby!” *kicks him across the room*: Ninten, Kumatora
[saying “OK Boomer”]
Says it as a joke: Ness, Jeff, Claus
Says it and means it: Teddy, Kumatora
Won’t say it, but thinks it’s funny: Ninten, Paula
Thinks it’s “disrespectful to elders”: Ana, Poo, Lucas
Gets called a boomer: Loid, Duster
Claus: It’s just a scratch!
Lucas: Just a scratch? Your arm’s off!!!
Claus: No it isn’t!
Lucas: *points to Claus’s arm on the ground*
Claus: …I’ve had worse!
Ness: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.
Poo: The cow???
Ness: What?
Paula: Poo, W H Y?
Could kill Zeus but thinks they can’t: Loid, Ness, Lucas, Duster
Couldn’t kill Zeus but thinks they can: Teddy, Claus, Kumatora
Knows they could kill Zeus, but wouldn’t: Ninten, Ana, Paula, Poo
Accidentally killed Zeus in a Wendy’s parking lot at 3AM: Jeff
Paula: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… Ness and I are dating.
Ness, Jeff, and Poo: *gasp*
Paula: Ness, why are you surprised?!
Claus: My biggest skill is being stress.
Kumatora: Don’t you mean stressed?
Claus: No.
Lucas, tired: No.
Refuses to watch Cats (2019): Ana, Jeff, Poo, Duster
Jokes about seeing it but never does: Loid, Paula, Kumatora
Actually goes to see it as a joke: Ness, Claus
Goes to see it completely unironically: Ninten, Lucas
Takes drugs right before seeing it: Teddy
Damsel in distress: Ana
Dude under stress: Lucas
Civilian well dressed: Ninten
Damsel under stress: Paula
Dude well dressed: Teddy, Poo
Civilian in distress: Jeff, Claus
Damsel well dressed: Kumatora
Dude in distress: Ness, Duster
Civilian under stress: Loid
[“All I want for Christmas is you”]
“Ikr. Me too. I’m the best present ever”: Teddy, Kumatora
“But… I bought you a gift”: Loid, Paula, Lucas, Duster
“Brb I’m going to wrap myself”: Jeff, Claus
“And we’ll be under a mistletoe :)”: Ninten, Ana
“And all I want is to rest. Can you go away?”: Poo
“I want banana milk”: Ness
[“I eat bees”]
“I don’t care”: Jeff
“Thank you Kanye, very cool!”: Ninten
“Why”: Loid, Paula, Lucas
“Same”: Ness, Claus
“What do they taste like?”: Teddy, Kumatora
*softly* “What the pork”: Ana, Poo, Duster
